My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
*sewing*
A thread
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family