My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once