My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city