Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.