My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’m not sorry.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…