My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no