My wife is suspicious about me coming to bed early and I’m like “I’m just tired and ready for bed*”
*Playstation network is down.
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*