Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.