My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water