My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

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[on an airplane]

passenger: hm, i can’t think of a witty caption for this photo


my dad: that should have been you

me, a doctor: not now dad

my dad: go see if an appendectomy will help


okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS


me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them


When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”


Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.


*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined



What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!