My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M