My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
That eye roll….
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
