My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
crying
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*