My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
i could never be president. im overqualified.
584.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
