My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
who did the taste test?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Very good news from my accountant
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.