My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod