My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
People buying plungers never look happy.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My recliner and I go way back
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
live long and prosper!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.