My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.


My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills


Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.


*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.


I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound


Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”