My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious