My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.