My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.