Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

saving face 👀

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

But that’s none of my business

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.