Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

You better wish for more oil

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker