Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

smartest karate player in the world

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Did my cat write this

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes