Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.