Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Geez man, take it easy.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”