My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
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If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.