My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers