My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
bro what is going on at twitter
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE