Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.