Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.