My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Waiting for the Charmin
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.