My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.