Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Wise advice

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Orange is oranging 🟠

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what