My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: