Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?