Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dads on road-trips be like

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that