My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*