My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
You Might Also Like
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.