Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him