Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I want to meet the individual who made this

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.