Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Teach your children to beatbox