Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.