My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.