Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

If you need a laugh.. 😅

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”