Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.