Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

two people or more is called a problem

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you