My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
But that’s none of my business
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.