Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

I never needed anything more in my life

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

#math

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”