My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Just a reminder, folks:
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The smoothest fall of all time
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not