Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Best mom ever 😂

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus