My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.