Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts