Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit