My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
All is fair in drunk and war.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager