My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Oops
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re