My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Breaking news:
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Vodka burrito was a success
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
