My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
You Might Also Like
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Ain’t no way
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Basketball
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
DOOO EEEET
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.