My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
it’s not been my year
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A Short Story.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.