@karanbirtinna

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

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@RobElliottComic

Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo… Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@freemcns

grandpa joe : stays in bed for 20 yrs letting his poor family take care of him and not doing shit to help them
charlie : gets a golden ticket
grandpa joe :

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

@TribalSpaceCat

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

@jameshamblin

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

@DaddyJew

*sees gf upset*

Me: she looks mad, I should say something

Brain: lol tell her she’s overreacting

Me: ok

@ashleyaustrew

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.