You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.