My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

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Alien: take me to your leader.
Me: They all suck. How about I take you to this place I know where you can get amazing mini donuts?


Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM


son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn


[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*


Husband: *sleeping*


Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.


me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”


I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.