My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.