@RobElliottComic
Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo… Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@karanbirtinna
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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@RobElliottComic
@tuckerflodman
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
@freemcns
grandpa joe : stays in bed for 20 yrs letting his poor family take care of him and not doing shit to help them
charlie : gets a golden ticket
grandpa joe :
@TheRealMelskee
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
@HousewifeOfHell
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
@TribalSpaceCat
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
@jameshamblin
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
@chrissyteigen
Never forget
@DaddyJew
*sees gf upset*
Me: she looks mad, I should say something
Brain: lol tell her she’s overreacting
Me: ok
@ashleyaustrew
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.