Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.