Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

Sex so good you see dead people.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.