My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.