My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
#ParentingFacts
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”