Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it