Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.