My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
grandpa was shocked
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
can’t talk my ride’s here
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.