My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.