Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Thursday Thought.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet