Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

listen closely

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

is it too early for christmas memes

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane