Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.