Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people