My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
You Might Also Like
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.