Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Yup!

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?